So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
