remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
