I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
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WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
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It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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