There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
