So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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