so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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