i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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