I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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