My nipple is on Facebook.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize