today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
