He told me they were just razor bumps!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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