Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
