well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
