i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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