I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
