The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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