I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
