Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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