Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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