Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
