I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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