Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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