That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
