don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
