um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
