Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I intend to get homeless drunk
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
