is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
