Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
