So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
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I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
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Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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