y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
