my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
