Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I love having hate sex.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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