i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
