the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
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You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
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