You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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