Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
