Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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