John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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