Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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