At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
