textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
