Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
