We're like a lot better than the average bears
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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