: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Let's paint friendship bongs
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
