Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
