My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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