My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
