paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Dicks are not precious.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
