I'm sorry my penis didn't work
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
