I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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