My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.