After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
