She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
