Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
