I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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