You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
