Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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