I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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