Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
