how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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