someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
