Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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