I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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