don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
